One year ago...

Tomorrow is the one year anniversary of the day I received what I thought was the most devastating news of my life. Truth be told, I hate thinking about that day. It was the hardest day of my life. It was the day any expecting mom never thinks will happen to her.  It was the day I got the call saying, "Sorry, your baby has Down syndrome."

I wish I could go back to that day and have a conversation with myself.

 I wish I could hug that scared momma after she hung up the phone and began to fall apart. I wish I could hold her and tell her it would all be ok. I wish I could tell her that she's about to find out what she's made of and that she is so much stronger than she thinks. I wish I could tell her that she's about to receive love and support from more people than she could ever imagine. I would tell her that she's going to be so proud of her husband and how he handles this, so forever grateful to her parents for their love and support, so touched by her friends and their kindness. I would tell her not to listen to a word the doctors say. I wish I could tell her she was about to witness something miraculous.

But mostly, I wish I could have just placed Hannah Belle into my own arms right then and there. That scared momma would have snapped right out of her devastation and fallen in love 6 months sooner.

If only I could put Hannah Belle into words for those of you who will never meet her. She is something that you just have to experience. She is such a peaceful and patient child. Her smiles are so genuine. Her laughs and giggles will put tears in your eyes. It is an honor to be her mother. I am completely in awe of her.

I remember worrying that I could never love a second child the way I love Paisley. I thought Paisley had taken over and filled every crevice of my heart, but I was wrong. There was an equal amount of space there waiting for Hannah.

What I've learned in the past year is that my belief in God means I have to trust Him and have faith in His plan even when I'm hurting, even when it makes NO sense to me, and even when he tells me to trust Him with my children. I'd love to say that I am the perfect Christian and that I never struggle with my faith or find it hard to trust God. That would be a lie. It terrifies me to hand my children to God and say I want YOUR will for their lives. I've come a long way in a year, but I have a lot of spiritual growing to do.

When people inquire about Hannah, sometimes they say, "Maybe she'll be high functioning."
Maybe.

I hope so.

But maybe she won't. 

Maybe she'll be a poster child for Down syndrome; the one that changes the literature. 

Maybe.
But maybe she won't. 

Maybe she'll go to college. 

Maybe.
I hope so. 

But maybe she won't.

 Maybe she'll be just as happy to stay at home forever.

The truth is, Hannah comes out ahead either way because she is God's child. I'm her mother, but she belongs to Him.

Do I have fears about Hannah's future? Of course I do, I'm human. I fear for ALL my children. But I know, I KNOW, God has a perfect plan for Paisley, for Jake, and for Hannah.

What I've learned from Jake and Hannah is when you have a child with special needs the lows are low... But the highs are SO much higher.

I was watching the video I took of the first time Hannah rolled over. I can see how my hands were shaking and hear the tears in my voice as I excitedly taped her and encouraged her to roll. It is a day I'll never forget. Those are the things you take for granted when you have a "typical" child. You just know they're going to reach those milestones. With Hannah, I don't know. So when she does, it is pure joy.

Are there heartaches? Sure. Who wants to take their precious infant to physical therapy? Who wants to worry about which occupational therapist to choose, which speech pathologist to choose, which audiologist and ophthalmologist is best? Who wants to think about when to start teaching sign language? Who wants to worry constantly about whether or not they are doing enough for their child's development? Who wants to think that the world will always judge her child by her physical appearance before they ever get to know her? Who wants to be constantly reminded of all the things her child won't do?

However, the heartaches of every day life with Down syndrome pale in comparison to the heartache it would have been to never have known my sweet Hannah Belle. It terrifies me to think of how close we came to losing her.

Like any other mother, I want the best for my girls. However, Hannah has changed my definition of what, "the best" means. 

More than beauty or success, more than wealth, more than popularity, I want my girls to have an authentic relationship with Jesus. 

Secondly, I want them to be happy. 

The rest is icing on the cake. 

The past year was hard. So hard. 

But so worth every single tear, sleepless night, and worry.

This is the happiest I have ever been in my life. I find myself constantly stopping myself to just pray, "Thank you for my life, Lord."

We are not rich, we work way too many hours, our house is a mess, we don't have nearly the time or money to travel the way we used to or buy the things we used to buy. I can still say without hesitation, that I have never been happier.

I still worry daily. My life is not perfect. What I've learned in a year's time is to not let the worries of tomorrow rob me of today's joy. Hannah Belle is a constant reminder to enjoy each day and be thankful for simply being able to breathe.

It has been an incredible year. I'm so happy I started this blog.  As of today, this blog has had 7,500 views.  Unbelievable. Thank you for allowing me to share Hannah Belle's story. 

Miss Hannah turned 6 months old this week. She sees a physical therapist twice a month and has some big appointments coming up this summer. She's growing stronger every day. She has brought nothing but pure joy to our lives.